KurlyK

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Aspergers and food

It is not uncommon for Apsie kids to suffer digestive and gastric problems. Complaints of reflux, diarrohea and constipation can be common.
Problems such as these make kids susceptible to Celiac Disease, a condition caused by poor absorption of nutrients that results in damage to the lining of the small intestine.
It has been shown that gluten can aggravate behaviour of kids who have sensitivity to such foods.
Some parents with kids on the spectrum who have trialled a gluten and casein free diet have reported positive changes in the non verbal communication, tantrums and behaviour of these kids.

If your interested in diet hints and tips for kids, particularly kids on the spectrum, check out this blog. You will find Gluten free and Casein free recipes.





Wednesday, August 31, 2011




Get the most out of your children with rewards!
Reward Charts can work a treat when they are incorporated with a good management system.
Check out Kurly K for a guide on making reward systems successful. You may even get your kids eating greens!!!!
We sell reward charts for the yummy mummys who want something nice hanging on their wall...check out our spacegirl chart along with racing cars and cupcakes.

A special discount offer is available for Kurly K fans from now until Sunday evening.
Enter the name of the syndrome we are currently promoting on facebook in the discount code box and receive 30% off everything on the website.

HAPPY PARENTING

Kurly k


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Who is really suffering separation anxiety?


Like myself, many more women these days have pursued education and a professional career. The last decades have seen a dramatic increase in the number of females pursuing meaningful employment. Subsequently most women can empathise with the painful dilemma of leaving their child to return to the workplace.

Are we doing the right thing by going back to work and leaving our child in the hands of another? Do we even have the choice? Whether it be for financial reasons or for our own sanity, many women are dealing with the guilt of these decisions we've made every day.

Get on the internet, read child development books and talk to those with strong one-sided views and you will be confronted with the view that leaving your child at a young age is harmful and damaging to their personality and emotional development.

What I can tell you is that children who enjoy an attentive relationship where their physical and emotional needs are actively being met develop a sense of security with regard to their existence in this world. A healthy attachment to their dominant caregiver/s creates a sense of security in the child, allowing the child the confidence to venture out and explore their world.

So is it a positive thing to allow our children the opportunity to branch out, explore their world and develop more than one relationship of attachment.

I believe so. Children with a secure emotional attachment to the dominant caregiver are more likely to feel secure in knowing their parent will return for them when left with someone else. Leaving them in the care of another trusted caregiver encourages the child to learn comfort and a sense of safety with another adult, other than the parent. It is inevitable that at some point in time every child will be separated from the dominant caregiver. Children who experience this separation for the first time when starting school are more likely to experience separation anxiety and hence have greater difficulty with the transition to school.

Children who build trusted relationships with more people than just their dominant caregiver develop a greater sense of confidence and independence. These children are more likely to demonstrate confidence with their peers and subsequently develop healthy peer relationships. They are typically the kids who are happy to run off and join in the play the minute you walk into a kids party.

Children who rarely leave the company of their parent are perhaps more likely to demonstrate an unwillingness to separate from the parent. Perhaps they are learning that it is only my mum, or only my dad who is safe. Being separated from that security can then become quite challenging for the child when confronted with that experience later in their life.

And of course, sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) it is our own anxieties about leaving our child with another trusted adult that is most problematic. We worry about how they will cope without us there, but perhaps it is more accurate to suggest that we worry how we will cope without being there. And most often, the child is fine. We on the other hand are the ones struggling to cope with the separation. We are convinced that they wont be able to settle without us there, that they wont feed properly because no-one knows quite the right way to hold the bottle or spoon feed the pumpkin mash. 10 phone calls over the space of 5 hours questioning their every action...who is it that's not coping? And if they aren't coping, perhaps that is an indication that we need to pursue the issue of separation from the dominant caregiver in a controlled way to encourage the sense of security, self confidence and independence that every parent wants for their child.

Kurly K

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kurly K's Official Launch

PatriotKidsCheer.gif



Yeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaa

Kurly K is officially here.


Whilst I've been busy blogging on all things kids, Iv'e also had some very talented people working behind the scenes on

Kurly K's website and Reward Charts.

Kurly K is aiming to provide education to mums, dads, grandparents, teachers, carers and the like interested in knowing more about children's development.

We are also working on resources for kids, the first being our very cute reward charts. Cupcakes, spaceships, owls and racing cars all designed to get the best out of our little angels.

So to celebrate the launch of Kurly K it seems only fitting to offer a competition to give away some of our reward charts.


Visit www.kurlyk.com.au and go to our Contact page.

Enter your details and tell me what ODD stands for and how you would describe this condition in laymans terms?

Get it right and win yourself a reward chart of your choice when you purchase one online.


Good luck and no cheating ;)

Kurly K


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Starting big school

Starting big school is probably the first major milestone our little ones will make independently of mum and dad. For some kids it is an exciting time, and for others it can be overwhelming and anxiety provoking.

School readiness is the term often used to describe a child's intellectual and emotional capacity to cope with the transition to school.

So what are we doing as parents that is either helping or hindering our child's potential to cope with the transition to school.

In a previous blog I have talked about the effects of consistent management on our children. We know that children behave better with imposed limits and consistent boundaries. Behaviour management strategies serve also to assist in the emotional development of our children. Placing demands on our children, having expectations of them and managing emotional outbursts help them to learn the basic principles of 'suck it up' and 'yes you have to do things you don't want to do'.

Children who are not exposed to management of dramatic emotional experiences tend to indulge in their emotional reactions, which in turn reinforces their experience of the dramatic emotion. Hence when faced with new challenges, this child is more likely to experience a dramatic emotional reaction (as it is second nature to have such dramatic emotion) and of course has little or no skill in managing this emotion themselves.

Children who are consistently exposed to demands and expectations learn to accept the concept of doing things they don't necessarily want to do, this becomes second nature to them. So when facing a new situation such as starting school, these kids are more equipped to accept the transition. These kids are more equipped with emotional management strategies, so are more likely to cope with the demands that come with starting school such as leaving mum for a day, dealing with the teacher that yells and managing the mean kid in the playground.

Arming kids with emotional management strategies is arming kids with the foundations for life's coping skills. In addition there are specific strategies that can assist children as the time of transition to school approaches.

A child's ability to function independently will often differentiate one child from the next in the first year of school. The confidence to function independently is born from gradual exposure to expectations of independent behaviour. Hence why it is important to expect the 2 year old to pick up their toys, the 3 year old to bring their dinner plate back to the kitchen, the 4 year old to put on their own underpants and the 5 year old to start learning to tie their shoelaces. With a history of expecting children to function independently, children are more likely to adopt the independent behaviour required in a school environment such as putting away their hat and jumper, eating food from their lunchbox on their own and toileting independently.

A child who has been exposed to strategies of emotional management is less likely to experience anxiety with starting school. To further instil confidence in the child regarding their transition to school talk talk talk about their new environment. A social story which is essentially a personal picture book representing the child in their school environment is a great way to demystify the unknown as much as possible.

Respect the fact that your child may be anxious about the impending change in their life. Just think, how would you feel starting a new job in a new field and a new environment? Anxiety plus plus plus if you ask most people. Like most adults, change for children can be daunting and sometimes overwhelming, but remember much of what we are doing as parents from the beginning of our children's lives can significantly impact our their ability to cope with life's 'stuff' such as change.

Kurly K




Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Separating Siblings


Separating Siblings


Separation is often painful and confusing for any child involved. The experience of loss often precipitates a process of grieving for the child. It is not uncommon for children to internalise the trauma, blaming themselves for the loss of a parent.


But what happens when parents disagree on the primary care arrangements for the children involved. It is not uncommon for parents to disagree on the living arrangements for their children. An issue I have stumbled upon less commonly is that of separating siblings between the two parents.


Although every situation is deserving of consideration, there are real issues to be considered with separating siblings between the two parental households.


In our early days of existence we develop an attachment to our primary caregivers. Attachment refers to the social and emotional bond or connection formed with the significant people in our lives. Relationships of attachment are healthy for our social and emotional development. Despite many siblings protests defying the theory of their attachment with their smelly brother or annoying sister, a strong relationship of attachment also develops between siblings.


Siblings are often best of friends and best of enemies. They are role models and protectors. Siblings can also function in a caring role for one another. They form a bond that is unique to any other relationship they will experience in their lives. In situations where parents have been absent or unable to provide the needed attachment, siblings often compensate for the loss of such a bond from the parent, forming an even stronger bond between themselves.


Separating siblings often leads to siblings questioning why they were removed from one parent when their sibling wasn't. Children will typically internalise these reasons and conclude that they were taken away from mummy because they were naughty or because mummy didn't want them anymore. Children may not verbalise their perspectives, hence harbouring such thoughts for years to come. The impact of which is significant on their social, emotional and mental development.


We have witnessed the negative impacts of separating siblings in foster care. After suffering the loss of the parents, being separated from one's siblings serves to enhance their sense of grief and loss, and is expected to significantly impact long term development.


So would you separate siblings by choice?


The issue to consider is the reason for separating siblings. In considering the unavoidable impact of the parental separation on children, what circumstances are considered reasonable to compound the impact further? The decision to separate siblings needs to be made with care. The decision to separate siblings needs to be considered with the child's needs as priority. Such a decision cannot be considered appropriate if the reasoning involves convenience issues and logistical reasons for the parents. "It's easier to get him to soccer" and "I need to spend mummy daughter time with her" are not reasons to send a son to live with his father. Are these reasons really in consideration of the child or the parent?


Children who are separated individually from other siblings in the family often report feeling rejected and discarded by the family, no longer feeling a part of the family unit. These children often function with bitterness and anger, subsequently labeled as problem children with behaviour issues.


In saying this, parents will make their own choices regarding the care arrangements of their children in separated circumstances. Making efforts to have special time with each of your children irrespective of living arrangements is the goal to be achieved, and perhaps these occasions should be exactly that....special time, not long term living arrangements.


Kurly K






Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Why you really want to be able to control your kids

As a working mum, my days with Master 3 are the most valuable. My favourite day of the week is the one where he and I just get to hang out together.

Many of us are working mums. Gone are the days where it is common place for mums to stay at home until the last child finishes high school.

Whether it be the choice of a professional mother to return to her career, or the family's financial circumstances that force a mother back into the workplace, the consensus is that most of us feel a sense of guilt over our divided loyalties and responsibilities.

As a consequence of our circumstances we often demonstrate compensatory behaviour towards our children as a result of our own guilt. When you only have limited time with your children, you want that time to be fun and full of laughs. The last thing we want to do is upset our child and ruin the valuable time we have together.

But we suffer the consequences of such compensatory behaviour. The control that we have over our children's behaviour is compromised...and is this problematic? Of course it is, and let me highlight why.

Last week Master 3 and I set off together for a day of Mummy/Harry time. We visited a busy shopping centre. Mummy got to purchase a birthday present for the 4 year olds birthday party we were to attend that weekend before Master 3 asked to go to the play centre. Master 3 played happily for a period of time before asking to go to the toilet. With a trolley in tow I pondered getting into the toilet cubicle....before I remembered the Access Toilet.

With the advance of technology, the Access Toilet is now equipped with an electronic sliding door. Hit a button and the door slides open. Hit another button once inside (with said trolley and Master 3 in tow) and door slides shut and locks. How novel!

After waiting...and waiting...and waiting for Master 3 to do his business I decided I would take the opportunity to quickly use the toilet myself. Without thought, I dropped the dacks and jumped on the loo. Mid stream I looked up to see Master 3....who was well out of my reach...launch at the OPEN button questioning "What does this one do Mummy?". I've launched myself forward to grab his arm and prevent and unbelievably embarrassing public moment but he was well out of my reach. All I had left was to blurt out in a panicked/threatening tone "Don't push that button!" And he froze...hand on button.

Ahhhh the unbelievable relief. He actually listened and showed great discipline to control his own actions purely in response to my words.

Generally the more we talk at our kids when managing behaviour, the less they hear. Master 3's every day life involves consequences for his actions. In all reality I had found myself in a situation where I was unable to control his behaviour at that point in time. With the well entrenched belief that consequences consistently follow unwanted behaviour, the demand issued whilst I was stuck in a very awkward situation was enough to stop him in his tracks.

Compensatory functioning towards our children inevitably denies the child the belief that they are expected to do what is asked of them. There are many things that a guilty mother can turn a blind eye to, but find yourself with your pants around your ankles, stuck in the Access toilet, exposed for public view whilst your child escapes into the shopping centre...and you may reconsider your need to have control over your child.

Kurly K


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Money makes the world go round!

Do our children have the skills to manage money?

Of course they don't. And that's why it is a good idea to help them learn these skills whilst they are still young and more able to be guided.

Children's first experience of money is usually the fascination with the shiny round coins that dad pulls from his pockets and leaves lying around to be taste tested. We buy kids a piggy bank and encourage them to save their coins (rather than eat them) and of course we encourage them to ask their uncle for the gold ones as they are of greater value, despite the child's belief that the bigger coins are the better ones.

As kids get a little older we introduce them to the concept of value in their beloved collection of coins. As young as 5 years old, children can learn a basic concept of value for money by teaching them that you need money to buy things from the shop. With young children you can help them count out the coins needed and encourage them to hand over the money in order to receive an item. This assists in introducing the concept of value of their coins.

Over the next few years children gain greater understanding of having to save up their coins, make choices about things they want and having to wait for things they want.

Every parent differs in their opinion of what age pocket money becomes appropriate for their child. And thats okay, there is no magic age to introduce pocket money. It is up to you to make the judgement of when you perceive your child is ready to start practicing the skills of money management. And remember, the way to learn these skills is to actually start doing it, of course with guidance.

One of the most common questions asked by many parents is whether children should receive pocket money for every responsibility they hold, or whether they have regular responsibilities and pocket money is given for responsibilities over and above the expected.

Again there is no right or wrong answer. Giving children pocket money for every responsibility they hold encourages the attitude that they should be compensated for their contribution to the family unit. It is important for children to learn that their parents, significant adults in their life like their teachers and eventually the world in general will have expectations of them, and these expectations are not always compensated. It is important for children to learn they they are accountable beings. Doing things for love, self respect and compassion are skills learnt through having expectations placed upon you. Children need to learn that they are expected to do things....because I am your mother and I said so, thats why....not because you will be paid for it....and it makes me happy when you do these things for me. This in turn encourages a sense of self pride and self satisfaction in the child, knowing that the things they do make others happy...and in turn makes them happy too. It is generally considered an admirable quality to perform an action with the best interest of someone else at heart. Refusing to do things unless there is something in it for one's self is not generally considered so admirable.

So how much pocket money should be given? Once again, there is no right answer, but I do think there is a wrong answer. Giving children too much devalues the value of money. When things come too easy we develop the attitude that little effort brings big reward, and if there is no big reward, then its not worth my effort. You're breeding a little capitalist!

It is important to set clear expectations of how children can 'earn' pocket money. You want to drive the concept that money is something to be earnt, and it doesn't come easy. There is an end to their money and therefore thought and discipline is required to manage their money.

Don't bribe children with money.... "if you're a good girl when we go to the Dr's then I'll give you $1". You should have the expectation that they behave, and have appropriate management strategies to address unwanted behaviour. You don't want your child to believe that they should be paid to behave in a way that should ordinarily be expected.

I do believe that children should be able to spend their pocket money on things that are of value to them, not things that are of value to you. They have earnt it. They may make impulsive decisions which they come to regret, but perhaps that's a good thing. The only way they will learn greater respect for the value of their money is to make their own mistakes. And perhaps they don't perceive their purchases as mistakes. Just because you don't value star wars figurines, 125 of them at that, doesn't meant that they don't value them. A balance of independence together with gentle guidance is a great combination...remembering that it is okay to draw the line at 1kg blocks of Cadbury Chocolate for the diabetic child or raunchy magazines for the young teen.

Involve the child in opening their own bank account. Create a sense of ownership for their own account and they are more likely to take pride in building the bank balance. Some parents offer incentives such as matching the child's savings. This provides further incentive for the child to save which in turn assists in developing self discipline skills, goal directed behaviour and acceptance of delayed gratification. Be careful, they may have you working double time to keep up your end of the bargain.

So whether it's a good or bad thing, there are no definite rules to introducing money to children. What we do know is that early introduction in an appropriate manner can assist in helping the child learn long term skills in managing money, an integral part of everyday life. Nurturing these skills also assists in the development of healthy attitudes and behaviours that shape our personality and perspectives in life...hopefully for the better.

Kurly K



Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Is it OK to smack your child?

The issue of smacking is a controversial one in the world of psychology and law. There is a current movement towards establishing legislation to make the smacking of a child a punishable offence.

Is there a difference between a momentary lapse of control and a pattern of abusive violent behaviour in managing children?

Whether you agree with it or not, most of us can admit that we have smacked our children at one time or another. Some research suggests that up to 90% of Aussie mums believe smacking is acceptable.

Part of the belief that smacking is acceptable is associated with the commonly reported view 'I was smacked as a kid and it didn't do me any harm'. Well that could be debatable!!!

What we may not realise is that we as parents are constantly modelling behaviour to our children. We teach our children through our actions more than through our words.

The most common scenario I hear from parents:
I was playing with Master 5 when he became frustrated and hit me. In reaction to his unacceptable behaviour I lashed out, smacked him on the arm saying "Don't hit!". And we wonder why children continue to hit in moments of frustrations. Isn't that what we have just modelled with our own actions (and of course our actions speak volumes over words).

There are concerns with the long term psychological impacts of habitual smacking. Children who are exposed to smacking as a means of controlling behaviour are learning to use such behaviour to manage and control their own situations. Ironically, we are smacking in an attempt to extinguish negative and unwanted behaviours, but in effect we are teaching our kids a skill to use in managing their own frustrations. So of course, kids who are smacked are more likely to use aggressive behaviour with their peers, and perhaps adults too.

What happens when children, particularly boys who sprout muscles and testosterone in teen years, get too big to smack? What tools do we have left to manage these kids then? And god forbid your darling angel smack or actually hit you back (at 15 years of age).

So why do we smack when most of us are left feeling regret and remorse following such action? We tend to lash out and smack when WE lose control. In the moment, we believe that drastic action will serve to regain the control we are seeking....that a smack will get the child to do what we want. But of course, it never works.

Outcome number 1. Child breaks down sobbing, broken hearted at the reality of being smacked by their usually-awe struck parent.

Outcome number 2. Child grasps backside screaming 'owwwwwww, that hurt, you're mean to me!'

Outcome number 3. Child stares you in the eye before calmly exclaiming 'That didn't hurt anyway!'

So why doesn't smacking work?

After tolerating persistent defiance and challenging behaviours from the child, our frustration level builds and builds like a boiling pot. Once the pot reaches boiling point (and the water spews over the edges) we've lost control, lashing out as a last resort. We then feel guilt, regret and remorse, all of which are unpleasant and unwanted emotions, thus we subsequently seek out relief by consoling the child and apologising for our behaviour.

So let me get this straight....child is right little bugger, child pushes buttons, child defies parent....parent loses control, parent smacks child...child has mini break down...parent feels bad, parent consoles child, parent apologises to child...all because child was disobedient and defiant!

No wonder smacking doesn't work. Child-1, Parent-0.

So why do we continue to engage in a behaviour that seems to be undermining our attempts at managing our child's behaviour? Because usually we don't know what else to do.

Most parents who smack their kids are not abusive tyrannical parents, but parents at their wits end without an effective management tool for challenging behaviours. We smack in frustration and anger. Intense frustration and anger on our part as parents is typically an indication to suggest that WE haven't managed the situation appropriately. We have failed to act on the challenging behaviour in the immediate instance, which of course is the green light for a child to keep pressing the buttons. Meanwhile our frustration builds (often without recognising it at the time) and builds and builds until our emotions dictate our actions...hence loss of control.

Yes there is a better way. As I discussed in earlier blogs, equip yourself with a strategy of positive parenting and remember our three biggest downfalls leaving us grasping at those ineffective tools to manage negative behaviours:
Too much talk, too much emotion and not enough action!

Share your thoughts on smacking....and remember, we've all been there :)


Kurly K


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Mothers Guilt

So you thought hospitals were safe!!! And thats what they want us to believe...but I soon found out otherwise. A condition inflicted upon all mothers at the time of the first born child. Mothers guilt!

I had never before heard of this condition. Never been warned. Never could have prepared.

Mothers Guilt is defined as an unrealistic sense of expectation of ones self with regards to every need imaginable of ones child/children. Found most commonly in women.

The predominant criteria of the condition is the belief that one must meet each and every need of the child at any and every time of any and every day at ones own expense, and total loss of awareness and consideration of ones own needs.

Symptoms include overgrown underarm hair, chronic regrowth and un-waxed eyebrows. Symptoms also include loss of conversational skills outside child's developmental stage. Poor awareness of fixation on child's sleeping patterns and millilitres of milk consumed by child per day.

Male are genetic carriers of the condition, but rarely display symptoms. Women suffer the condition at the rate of 1,000,000,000,000,000 to 1.

Most debilitating aspect of the condition is the generalisation of symptoms across to the male counterpart. Women find themselves also meeting the demands of selectively useless husbands.

Prognosis favourable when diagnosed in early stages, particularly before the birth of the second child. Condition can prove chronic if left undiagnosed and will persist until ones departure to another more peaceful existence, or alternatively relocation retirement to Greek Islands.

Male counterparts typically have an interest in maintaining the condition and typically resist treatment options for the female sufferer.

After having been diagnosed myself by a very wise and insightful friend of mine, I feel it is my duty to share this wisdom with all mothers and urge you to self diagnose and do as I have decided to do:

5 Things I refuse to feel guilty about:

1. I refuse to feel guilty about the sense of relief I feel after dropping Master 3 at daycare and feeling a greater sense of sanity working with psychologically unwell clients than functioning as a parent

2. I refuse to feel guilty about leaving my child for a night, or god forbid 2 with his doting grandma Nanny Sue, who will be feeding him chocolate for afternoon tea and getting him to bed no earlier than 9.30PM because I'm playing sport.....yes something for ME!

3. I refuse to feel guilty that on the rare occasion since Master 3's birth, I have maxed out the credit card on a shopping expedition (without said Master 3 in tow) arriving home with bags labelled only Tiffany, Mimco, Witchery and Cue.

4. I refuse to feel guilty that I said no to the $2 merry-go-round horse ride outside Coles and ignore the subsequent attention seeking demon-like behaviour of my little angel, leaving him to scream to his hearts content despite the looks of horrified grocery shoppers.

5. I refuse to feel guilty that I say no to Master 3's demands to attend preschool in his Buzz Lightyear outfit, including helmet and wings, despite his cries indicative of heartbreak.

Treatment of this condition must include regular child free gatherings with trusted female friends who each remind you of the wonderful mother you are, and the individual you also deserve to be.

Relapse is common but friendly slap around by previously mentioned trusted friends maintains good management of this insidious condition.

Please share with us your 5 things....


Kurly K

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Can you give your kids too much?

So it went something like this....
Me: "Miss 6, would you like to come to my house for a sleepover and play with Master 3?"
Miss 6: "Ummm, what are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "Im not sure yet"
Miss 6: "How about you think about it and get back to me!"

Gone are the days when Miss 6 may have been super excited just to have a sleepover at Master 3's house.

Why is it so hard to excite kids these days?

We live in a society where kids are flooded with material possessions. Most kids have a DS before they start school and a mobile phone well before they finish primary. Not to mention the collection of Ipods and Ipads that are a standard addition in the hands of most kids in my waiting room. Playstations and TV's IN THEIR ROOMS together with laptops and open internet access. What do kids NOT have these days?

They don't have free, unstructured 'use your imagination' kind of play. I was fortunate to have grown up on acreage where weekends consisted of plenty of outdoor play. Pushing each other around in the wheelbarrow and building secret caves from strung up old laundry sheets filled the day, interrupted only by mum calling to come in for lunch. My husband talks of his childhood in such fond terms when he recalls riding his bmx around the streets, climbing trees and embarking on adventures in the bush....without adult supervision! No Ipods, only a walkman that ran out of batteries. No Laptops, but a shelf of encyclopedia's and certainly no TV in the bedroom, just 5 girls having to watch the same TV in the communal lounge room....and god forbid, actually play together!

We flood our kids with things, fun stuff, entertainment. Kids are constantly provided amusement. They have no idea how to be bored.

We want kids to draw on their own resources to seek out self amusement and self satisfaction. We want kids to seek out social interaction and social play. We want kids to use their initiative to learn, play, discover....and providing constant amusement in the form of 'fun stuff' smothers the child's potential to do so.

I have such fond memories of my Nanny and Poppy taking me to the circus when we were little. I can still recall the feeling of amazement as we approached the big top, and I remember feeling so lucky that we were given a bag of popcorn to share as we watched the show. So when the circus came to town just a few weekends ago I was so excited to relive the experience with my own child, my niece and nephew. I anticipated a buzz of excitement amongst the kids....only to realise that they were more interested in getting their own bag of popcorn and fairy floss, which of course they all got. And when the man came around with the glow sticks, they all wanted those. And then the same bloody man came back with flouro light sabres....and they wanted those too.

I have this feeling that their experience of the circus wont be quite as memorable and long lasting as mine.

One of my golden rules with kids...never have your kids in a situation where they have everything they want. Movie stars have everything they want, hence the next thing has to be bigger, better, shinier...and eventually illegal!

In this day and age, computer games and Ipods may not really be avoided, but they certainly can be limited. Don't indulge your kids giving them everything they want, leave them wanting and wishing for something. Have them earn things and help them learn a sense of value. The value of something that's come easy is lost all too quickly, with possessions discarded and interests rarely sustained. To have poor appreciation for things when we are little, leads ultimately to poor appreciation for things when we are big. The expectation that mum...dad...the world provides us fun stuff and things of interest doesn't change just because we get older in calendar years. We continue to expect to be 'made' happy but our interest is devalued, leaving us needing more just to feel happy.

Higher expectations with poor sustainability....potentially a recipe for depression.

Kurly K

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Keeping it light

I was in the supermarket last week, following a Dad and his badly behaved Master 3 around the aisles. Master 3 was trying all the tricks in the books to get the packet of lollies that his life so desperately depended on. Begging, screaming, demanding, sobbing, threatening....all very familiar strategies in my house.
I over heard Dad, in his most controlled voice, say "Easy now William, we won't be long".
Of course no words of reason would calm Master 3 and the hysteria continued. At one stage I double checked just to ensure his left arm hadn't been sawn off with a blunt saw, as it wouldn't have been surprising given the shrieks coming from his little body.
Dad continued "Just a couple more minutes William, then we will be out of here, hang in there mate".
At the checkout, it was obvious Master 3 had progressed to melt down stage as I witnessed the loaf of country white together with a freshly baked sponge cake fly from the trolley. Dad maintained such control even when the 6 pack of sorbent skimmed across the head of the register assistant, muttering only words of control "Relax William, it's okay mate, just relax. Don't get upset, we will be home soon. It's okay William, it's okay".
Impressed by such control, I approached Dad in the car park to commend him on his outstanding control given Master 3's impersonation of the devil incarnate.
"Excuse me, I don't mean to intrude, I just wanted to say how impressed I am by your level of control in dealing with William. He was doing such a good job at pushing your buttons and you kept your composure the entire time. You should be proud of yourself, and William is very lucky to have you as his Dad."
"Thanks!" replied Dad, "but I'm William, the little bastards name is Mathew!"

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Whose tantrum is it anyway?

We've spent a few weeks discussing the tantrums of our 4 year olds but what about our 34 year olds?

We've identified the downfalls in parenting of too much talk and failure to follow through with action. Another common mistake...parenting with too much emotion.

We all complain that Master 5 just wont listen and that Miss 7 wont respond to the most simple of requests...until of course we are screaming like a banchee, blowing steam from our ears and our head is spinning on our shoulders. Then maybe we get a response, and on occasion the response goes something like 'geez mum, take a chill pill!'. Despite your inner desire to reach out and strangle your little darling, you hold your breath and a slight whistling sound emits from your ears.

Our children have the most amazing ability to press our buttons, and sometimes by doing absolutely nothing at all. Now isn't that the definition of power? And don't they know it!

As we've previously mentioned it is every child's sole desire in life to maintain their sense of control in their world. And this is just another of their little tricks they have perfected in achieving just that.

As the parents, we fail to act then talk ourselves blue in the face, all without any satisfactory response.....until we find ourselves threatening with our serious tone (ineffective), raising our voice (provocative), screaming (scary....not so much after we've heard it 10 times over)....and basically losing the plot....all over a request to turn the Star Wars movie off.

So our first mistake...too many repeated requests without follow through of a consequence. And inevitably what follows is a crazy premenstrual lunatic like demonstration, to which the child realises they are solely responsible for creating. Wow, it's kinda like Master 10 seeing his science experiment blow up in front of him....how cool is that!

And once we have returned to planet earth, regret, shame and remorse all set in, for which we then apologise and profess our undying love for Master 10....failing to remember that the reason this all started was that the Master 10 you are now consoling and apologising to, was only 10 minutes prior demonstrating a well rehearsed passive aggressive approach to your parenting efforts. How did this happen?

So if Miss 4 must pick up her shoes, if Master 10 must turn the movie off, if Master 13 must get off the computer then so be it....but how satisfying to know that you have such power to pull your mums strings like a puppet and press your dads buttons like a Playstation 3 remote control before you surrender. And we wonder why they continue to refuse directions and ignore our rants. Why not wait to see how much we will jump, scream, grit our teeth, threaten the world and pull our hair from the roots before considering the options presented. And what are the options we are presenting....do it or.......or what? I'll yell and use my super scary voice to scare you into listening.

Kids care about action, not words. So when dealing with these little darlings, zip it and follow through and you will find yourself with all 472,000 hair follicles still intact on your 40th birthday and a child that actually listens....imagine that :)

Kurly K


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

To act or not to act...that is the question!

So last week we spoke about one of the big mistakes many of us parents are making.....too much talk. I think it is only fitting to follow on with another of the big mistakes we are typically making...not enough action.

A very common complaint made by the parents of young teens.....we never had a problem with him before he started high school!

So what is it about high school or turning 13 that apparently turns these compliant angelic little beings into oppositional possessed-like maniacs? Ill give you the drum, it's not high school...it's not Mr Beaker the eccentric experimental science teacher nor is it Mrs Shakespeare the abrupt intolerant English teacher. Suddenly the world is making demands on our little angels and they just don't like it.

If I haven't heard this phrase many a time..."all I expect is that he do his homework, that's all I ask him to do, is that really too hard?" Ordinarily you wouldn't think so but it really depends on this child's life experience over the past 13 years. How much have we expected of this child at the ages of 3, 7, 9, 12?

At 3, did you ever expect this child to return their own plate to the kitchen sink? At 7, did you ever expect this child to put their own shoes away? At 9, did you ever expect this child to take the garbage out and make their own bed? At 12 did you ever expect this child to walk the dog and clean up the dog poop?

Most parents will answer "No, I don't expect him to do any of those things, I just want him to do his homework."

Is this how it really works? NO NO NO! In failing to have age appropriate expectations of children they learn exactly that, that things are not expected of me. I don't have to do things that I don't really like to do! I don't have to do hard things!

And then at some point in time, the Science teacher is going to expect the assessment be completed (on time) and the English teacher is going to expect the text be read (even though it's as boring as bat poo) and the kids who've never really had expectations either can't cope and melt down, act out and defy or simply refuse. Parents are at their wits end trying to suddenly create expectations of their child despite having actively taught this child over previous years that such actions will not be imposed upon them. Quite commonly these kids develop a sense of entitlement. An entitlement to be exempt from such expectations....My mum doesn't make me do that so you've got buckleys!

Many of these little angels are then dragged into the psychologist's office by panicked parents clutching a list of complaints two A4 pages long questioning what on earth has happened to their child. How dare we suddenly expect them to co-operate with the normal expectations of every day life! So were these children really so well behaved before, or were they really well behaved because we left them alone and never place demands on them?

Is it important to expect they pick up their toys (even if it is easier to do it yourself)?....YES
Is it important to expect they carry their own bag into preschool (even if they protest it is unbelievably heavy today)?...YES
Is it important to expect they say hello when you introduce them to an adult (even if you prefer to ignore the grunt and pretend you don't actually own them)?....YES
Is it important to expect they make their own bed (even if it still looks like a group rumble has occurred in it)?....YES

YES because we need our children to learn that the world will expect things of them, good and bad. And when we accept this concept from an early age we tend to accept more readily the demands like homework tasks set by the teacher, crumby jobs ordered by the boss, menial tasks like mopping the floor and hanging the washing (yes, even if you are a boy). We are teaching kids from early on that the world does and will have expectations of us. So if we want our children to cope in a world of tough stuff, expectations be it reasonable or unreasonable, we need to teach them these expectations from the word go. We need to teach our kids resilience...the ability to cope with hard stuff, a skill that goes a very long way in life.

Kurly K


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

So they say actions speak louder than words!

So how true is it?

When it comes to kids, it's gospel!

How many of you have heard yourself saying "Geez I sound like my mother"....and...."If I ever sound like that (referring to that ranting raving crazy hormonally imbalanced mother) just shoot me"?  But we are all doing it. "....Harry come here and put your shoes on, put that down and come here please, I need you to come here now otherwise mummy is going to be late for work and mummy has a really important meeting to get to, no I don't want to see your favourite new trick dismounting from the lounge head first bellowing 'To infinity and beyoooooond' (although I am secretly impressed), come here NOW please, Harry, (stern voice) come here now or I will leave without you (Harry so doesn't care), that's it, I'm going now, Im going Harry, I'm really going now, did you hear what I said?, Im going and I'm leaving without you!"

Likely result: Harry thinks "blah blah blah blah, she's full of ka ka! She's never left me before, chances are she ain't leaving me this time and even if she did, it would be much more peaceful around here without all that nagging.

So what is wrong with my approach? In my adult head, it makes perfect sense.  I have explained my predicament and stressed the importance of getting out of the house on time to ensure my prompt arrival at the executive meeting, I've explained the reasons why I need Harry to have his shoes on his feet when we leave the house and why he can't wear his new Nikes to preschool...and I've also explained how important it is for Harry to listen to me when I tell him not to practise his buzz impersonation from the lounge as he is actually putting himself in danger of a very serious injury. Once again Harry hears BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Words mean very little to a child.  Kids don't listen unless we make them listen.  You can talk until you're blue in the face (sound familiar) but they seem to hear nothing.  You can talk talk talk until the cows come home, but most kids will wait for the cows to come home before they will decide to listen.  And lets face it, why would you listen if you really didn't have to!

Words to a child: Yeah yeah, I know you keep saying you're going to take my DS, but you actually haven't so the odds seem to be in my favour at this point in time. Nothing has happened yet so I might just hang out until something does happen and worry about it then (actually makes sense really).

Kids hear action, not words. Taking the DS says it all.  An action has been imposed, you can't help but hear that.

Kids have this amazing ability to switch off from words (unlike adults) but kids definitely hear action.  The action we impose upon our kids reinforces that we are the ones in control and that we call the shots.
We as parents must be in control.  The more we talk talk talk at our kids, the more we undermine our position of authority.  We threaten, promise, negotiate, nag...but why not just follow through with an action.  What's the worst thing that could happen? We make our kids very temporarily unhappy, angry, upset, cranky, sad.  Sad that they realise they have been stripped of the power and, as i've mentioned previously, it is a child's sole purpose in life to maintain their sense of power and control.  Hence why action is so effective in managing children's behaviour.

It's not such a far fetched concept.  Imagine the football referee who promises the players "If I see you off-side again, I'm really going to penalise you this time, I mean it, I am to be taken seriously so heed this warning and stay on side". Sounds serious!  Any footballer I know would have ceased listening at "If I see you....BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" (we wonder where our kids get it from). Furthermore, when the referee fails to take action again, fails to penalise for off-side play, this lack of action is a beaming green light to say "go on, try your luck, there's every chance you'll get away with it".....and then god forbid the referee actually pull you up for the off-side behaviour, what respect do we hold for the referee and his authority by this time?....next to none.

Like any good referee, less talk and more action means respect respect respect.....and generally more compliant behaviour.

Kurly K

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Can someone give me the golden strategy.....pleeeeaaassseee?

Seriously, what strategy haven't you tried in an attempt to get your kids to co-operate?

Demanding....'Do it now or else!'
Pleading....'Pleeeaaaase get dressed, can't you see I'm sick and tired of having to ask you over and over again?'
Begging....'Please stop, Ill do anything you want if you just tell me what's wrong'
Negotiating....'If you clean your teeth now you can stay up another half hour'
Manipulating....'If you pick up your toys now I will take you to McDonald's'
Reverse Psychology...'No I'm going to eat the broccoli, mmmm, I loooooooove broccoli'
Promising...'If you don't do your homework, I'm cancelling your 6th birthday party...and I mean it!'
Threatening...'Wait until I tell your father what you have just done, you're going to be in big trouble Mister!'

The 6 year law degree, the 10 years corporate training, the outstanding business performance worthy of promotion....none of these prepare us for the trials and tribulations faced in parenthood. You need to pass more than 30 rigorous law exams before you're considered equipped and qualified to argue the point of law to a judge, but no exam in a law degree will ever prepare you for the fight against your 3 year old screaming for a choccie in the middle of the confectionary isle at Coles. Hence we resort back to any one of the above strategies (probably begging and then threatening, before returning back to begging) in an attempt to appease our little ones.

None of these commonly used strategies really work....Why?

Because they rely on the child agreeing with us, being reasonable, wanting the same outcome, exerting self control and using consequential thinking to influence their actions! When was the last time you heard your child utter something of the sort : 'You know what, I really think I should listen to my mum today because she is really at the end of her tether, she looks like she's going to blow a gasket and if I push her just that little bit further, she's really going to lose it and she may well phone DOCS for my removal. And besides, I really don't need that choccie anyway!' And if we are honest, we could all name a few adults who continue to struggle with these concepts yet we expect children to have them down pat....and unfortunately children do not have the capacity developmentally to master such skills.

So what does work with kids?

We need to set boundaries and limits for our kids. We need to make demands on our kids. Kids need to learn that we have expectations of them and that they are accountable.
Boundaries mean saying NO! No you cant jump on the lounge, no you cant empty the fridge at your will, no you cant demand three different dinners, no you cant have a new toy, no you cant speak like that, and no you cant say NO to me! Making demands means yes, you do have to put your shoes on, you do have to pick up your toys, you do have to carry your plate back to the kitchen, and yes you must sit down whilst we eat dinner.....why?, because I said so!

It is vitally important that we follow through with action. Kids need to learn that they are expected to comply with the demands of their parents or they will face a consequence. Consequences are actions.....and actions speak louder than words.

This means that we make a demand, present a consequence and then FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't be afraid of the yelling, screaming, crying, shrieking, wailing, blubbering, banging, hitting and whatever else may erupt. These behaviours are all an attempt to undermine your authority and regain the control....the purpose behind every child's sense of being, to maintain the control in their world.

Despite what may seem apparent at the time of your child's demonstration of horror, children function much better when they know their limits and their boundaries. When they know their expectations, and they accept the concept of consequences, they demonstrate the ability to make good decisions where ultimately mum and dad are happy and they too are happy.

And how do children ever come to accept consequences? Consistency is the key!


Kurly K

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Am I a team player?

So we all agree that parenting needs to be a team sport. But do we really recognise some of our behaviours that are undermining our efforts to demonstrate a united front?

Of course there are the obvious disagreements... Mummy takes a toy away for unwanted behaviour and Daddy compensates with another toy, Daddy imposes a grounding that Mummy doesn't follow though.....and says 'shh, don't tell Daddy', Mummy imposes Time Out and Daddy rescues the child with comforting cuddles. But perhaps there are less obvious inconsistencies in our parenting that we are not so aware of.

Let me illustrate for you...(my poor husband has never heard the end of it):

Master 2 was outside playing in the yard with Daddy. Mummy calls from the back door "Its time to come inside, dinner is ready". Of course Master 2 is unhappy with such an outrageous demand! Master 2 wishes to demonstrate his disapproval by yelling 'nooooooooooo' and stomping his feet like he is leading the All Star's marching band....at which time my team mate aka: Daddy says to Master 2 "Come on mate, Mummy says it time to go inside!"

So here we have the classic 'Good parent/Bad parent', and no prize for guessing who gets what title.

As much as my team mate thought he was being supportive of my request (the look of daggers really took him aback), the underlying message to Master 2 goes something like this "...me and my mate Daddy were having so much fun until Mummy ruined it all by asking us to come inside and Daddy says we better do what she says".

Who is the real team here, Mummy and Daddy or Daddy and Master 2?

The message that both Mummy and Daddy need to demonstrate is....'you need to do this because I have asked you and I am the boss', rather than...'you need to do this because Mummy said so (but if she hadn't have said so I would have loved to have continued to play with you in the back yard all night long).

Being a team in front of our kids is supporting decisions made and instructions given as though they were made by both parents, not by only one.

Mums often complain that they hold responsibility for managing our kids' day to day events. This of course includes getting kids to eat their dinner, do their homework, clean their teeth and have them bathed and ready for bed before witching hour. These mums are making all the demands on the kids, leaving Daddy to be the fun parent. So unless Daddy is seen to also be initiating such demands in line with his team mate, Daddy becomes the fun parent and Mummy becomes the fun police.

One danger of this unequal parenting is that Master 2 develops the courage to disrespect the fun police parent rescued by the comfort and security of his mate, the fun parent.

It can't only be one parent making the demands on our children "put your shoes on, pick up your pencils, sit at the table, put your toys away".

So if you find yourself reading this saying "OMG, Yes that is me....I'm the fun police parent!", devise a strategy to parent as a real team, sharing the responsibility of being both decision maker and decision enforcer.

Kurly K



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Parenting as a team sport

Picture this.....final minutes of the game. I'm dribbling the ball down the field, in the clear, only the goalie to beat. Im the sure thing!!!! I line up my shot (focus Kate!), deep breath in (relax), head over the ball (i remember this from training) swing and connect, lovely follow through and look up to see my perfectly executed shot sailing through the air, narrowly missing my target goal (if a 5 metre swing to the right is considered narrow!). Soooooooo close, but sadly "I" have lost the game for the team.

Any good coach would at this point convincingly exclaim "There's no "I" in Team".

I, of all people, should absolutely know this as I spend my days talking to parents about uniting as a team when managing our kids. In any family unit, there is no option for "I", only room for "we".

Now it can't be denied that our kids were created by the mutual efforts of the "we" in this relationship. Why is it that somewhere along the line, this can change quite significantly, ending up in opposing parenting roles....the Good Parent/Bad Parent predicament!

Arggggghhhh, the dangers of Good Parent/Bad Parent!!!!

So unless you haven't worked it out yet, the sole purpose of any child's existence is to exert their sense of power and control in this world....because don't forget, it's all about them (just ask them, they will happily tell you this). Children are mini experts at creating a minefield smack bang in the middle of any sound relationship, and unless we are armed and ready for the battles created by our little angels we find ourselves working against one another rather than with one another. And ultimately, inconsistent and uncooperative parenting leads to poor follow through.

Who would have thought, the perfect couple who happily said "I do" suddenly divided by another human being barely reaching 3 feet tall.

Other than the stress this creates on our adult relationship, opposing parenting leaves a gaping hole in any management system, undermining all your best efforts of managing your child.

Now, any Psychologist will tell you that children are born with superior radar systems finely tuned for detection of any hole or inconsistency in their parent's management system. These radar systems are permanently set on high alert, just waiting for that moment in which they catch you out, then run a mile smiling from ear to ear with the greatest sense of self satisfaction at once again having achieved their goal of having one up on mum and dad.

And how often do you find yourself questioning "...how on earth did that just happen....and he's only 3?"

In anticipation of our future blogs on the specifics of the behaviour management do's and dont's, one vital message to be heard is that we absolutely must present as a united front to our kids if we have any chance of successful management. And remember there is no "I" in this team!