When it comes to kids, it's gospel!
How many of you have heard yourself saying "Geez I sound like my mother"....and...."If I ever sound like that (referring to that ranting raving crazy hormonally imbalanced mother) just shoot me"? But we are all doing it. "....Harry come here and put your shoes on, put that down and come here please, I need you to come here now otherwise mummy is going to be late for work and mummy has a really important meeting to get to, no I don't want to see your favourite new trick dismounting from the lounge head first bellowing 'To infinity and beyoooooond' (although I am secretly impressed), come here NOW please, Harry, (stern voice) come here now or I will leave without you (Harry so doesn't care), that's it, I'm going now, Im going Harry, I'm really going now, did you hear what I said?, Im going and I'm leaving without you!"
Likely result: Harry thinks "blah blah blah blah, she's full of ka ka! She's never left me before, chances are she ain't leaving me this time and even if she did, it would be much more peaceful around here without all that nagging.
So what is wrong with my approach? In my adult head, it makes perfect sense. I have explained my predicament and stressed the importance of getting out of the house on time to ensure my prompt arrival at the executive meeting, I've explained the reasons why I need Harry to have his shoes on his feet when we leave the house and why he can't wear his new Nikes to preschool...and I've also explained how important it is for Harry to listen to me when I tell him not to practise his buzz impersonation from the lounge as he is actually putting himself in danger of a very serious injury. Once again Harry hears BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Words mean very little to a child. Kids don't listen unless we make them listen. You can talk until you're blue in the face (sound familiar) but they seem to hear nothing. You can talk talk talk until the cows come home, but most kids will wait for the cows to come home before they will decide to listen. And lets face it, why would you listen if you really didn't have to!
Words to a child: Yeah yeah, I know you keep saying you're going to take my DS, but you actually haven't so the odds seem to be in my favour at this point in time. Nothing has happened yet so I might just hang out until something does happen and worry about it then (actually makes sense really).
Kids hear action, not words. Taking the DS says it all. An action has been imposed, you can't help but hear that.
Kids have this amazing ability to switch off from words (unlike adults) but kids definitely hear action. The action we impose upon our kids reinforces that we are the ones in control and that we call the shots.
We as parents must be in control. The more we talk talk talk at our kids, the more we undermine our position of authority. We threaten, promise, negotiate, nag...but why not just follow through with an action. What's the worst thing that could happen? We make our kids very temporarily unhappy, angry, upset, cranky, sad. Sad that they realise they have been stripped of the power and, as i've mentioned previously, it is a child's sole purpose in life to maintain their sense of power and control. Hence why action is so effective in managing children's behaviour.
It's not such a far fetched concept. Imagine the football referee who promises the players "If I see you off-side again, I'm really going to penalise you this time, I mean it, I am to be taken seriously so heed this warning and stay on side". Sounds serious! Any footballer I know would have ceased listening at "If I see you....BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" (we wonder where our kids get it from). Furthermore, when the referee fails to take action again, fails to penalise for off-side play, this lack of action is a beaming green light to say "go on, try your luck, there's every chance you'll get away with it".....and then god forbid the referee actually pull you up for the off-side behaviour, what respect do we hold for the referee and his authority by this time?....next to none.
Like any good referee, less talk and more action means respect respect respect.....and generally more compliant behaviour.
Kurly K
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