To act or not to act...that is the question!

So last week we spoke about one of the big mistakes many of us parents are making.....too much talk. I think it is only fitting to follow on with another of the big mistakes we are typically making...not enough action.

A very common complaint made by the parents of young teens.....we never had a problem with him before he started high school!

So what is it about high school or turning 13 that apparently turns these compliant angelic little beings into oppositional possessed-like maniacs? Ill give you the drum, it's not high school...it's not Mr Beaker the eccentric experimental science teacher nor is it Mrs Shakespeare the abrupt intolerant English teacher. Suddenly the world is making demands on our little angels and they just don't like it.

If I haven't heard this phrase many a time..."all I expect is that he do his homework, that's all I ask him to do, is that really too hard?" Ordinarily you wouldn't think so but it really depends on this child's life experience over the past 13 years. How much have we expected of this child at the ages of 3, 7, 9, 12?

At 3, did you ever expect this child to return their own plate to the kitchen sink? At 7, did you ever expect this child to put their own shoes away? At 9, did you ever expect this child to take the garbage out and make their own bed? At 12 did you ever expect this child to walk the dog and clean up the dog poop?

Most parents will answer "No, I don't expect him to do any of those things, I just want him to do his homework."

Is this how it really works? NO NO NO! In failing to have age appropriate expectations of children they learn exactly that, that things are not expected of me. I don't have to do things that I don't really like to do! I don't have to do hard things!

And then at some point in time, the Science teacher is going to expect the assessment be completed (on time) and the English teacher is going to expect the text be read (even though it's as boring as bat poo) and the kids who've never really had expectations either can't cope and melt down, act out and defy or simply refuse. Parents are at their wits end trying to suddenly create expectations of their child despite having actively taught this child over previous years that such actions will not be imposed upon them. Quite commonly these kids develop a sense of entitlement. An entitlement to be exempt from such expectations....My mum doesn't make me do that so you've got buckleys!

Many of these little angels are then dragged into the psychologist's office by panicked parents clutching a list of complaints two A4 pages long questioning what on earth has happened to their child. How dare we suddenly expect them to co-operate with the normal expectations of every day life! So were these children really so well behaved before, or were they really well behaved because we left them alone and never place demands on them?

Is it important to expect they pick up their toys (even if it is easier to do it yourself)?....YES

Is it important to expect they carry their own bag into preschool (even if they protest it is unbelievably heavy today)?...YES

Is it important to expect they say hello when you introduce them to an adult (even if you prefer to ignore the grunt and pretend you don't actually own them)?....YES

Is it important to expect they make their own bed (even if it still looks like a group rumble has occurred in it)?....YES

YES because we need our children to learn that the world will expect things of them, good and bad. And when we accept this concept from an early age we tend to accept more readily the demands like homework tasks set by the teacher, crumby jobs ordered by the boss, menial tasks like mopping the floor and hanging the washing (yes, even if you are a boy). We are teaching kids from early on that the world does and will have expectations of us. So if we want our children to cope in a world of tough stuff, expectations be it reasonable or unreasonable, we need to teach them these expectations from the word go. We need to teach our kids resilience...the ability to cope with hard stuff, a skill that goes a very long way in life.

Kurly K