Is it OK to smack your child?

The issue of smacking is a controversial one in the world of psychology and law. There is a current movement towards establishing legislation to make the smacking of a child a punishable offence.

Is there a difference between a momentary lapse of control and a pattern of abusive violent behaviour in managing children?

Whether you agree with it or not, most of us can admit that we have smacked our children at one time or another. Some research suggests that up to 90% of Aussie mums believe smacking is acceptable.

Part of the belief that smacking is acceptable is associated with the commonly reported view 'I was smacked as a kid and it didn't do me any harm'. Well that could be debatable!!!

What we may not realise is that we as parents are constantly modelling behaviour to our children. We teach our children through our actions more than through our words.

The most common scenario I hear from parents:

I was playing with Master 5 when he became frustrated and hit me. In reaction to his unacceptable behaviour I lashed out, smacked him on the arm saying "Don't hit!". And we wonder why children continue to hit in moments of frustrations. Isn't that what we have just modelled with our own actions (and of course our actions speak volumes over words).

There are concerns with the long term psychological impacts of habitual smacking. Children who are exposed to smacking as a means of controlling behaviour are learning to use such behaviour to manage and control their own situations. Ironically, we are smacking in an attempt to extinguish negative and unwanted behaviours, but in effect we are teaching our kids a skill to use in managing their own frustrations. So of course, kids who are smacked are more likely to use aggressive behaviour with their peers, and perhaps adults too.

What happens when children, particularly boys who sprout muscles and testosterone in teen years, get too big to smack? What tools do we have left to manage these kids then? And god forbid your darling angel smack or actually hit you back (at 15 years of age).

So why do we smack when most of us are left feeling regret and remorse following such action? We tend to lash out and smack when WE lose control. In the moment, we believe that drastic action will serve to regain the control we are seeking....that a smack will get the child to do what we want. But of course, it never works.

Outcome number 1. Child breaks down sobbing, broken hearted at the reality of being smacked by their usually-awe struck parent.

Outcome number 2. Child grasps backside screaming 'owwwwwww, that hurt, you're mean to me!'

Outcome number 3. Child stares you in the eye before calmly exclaiming 'That didn't hurt anyway!'

So why doesn't smacking work?

After tolerating persistent defiance and challenging behaviours from the child, our frustration level builds and builds like a boiling pot. Once the pot reaches boiling point (and the water spews over the edges) we've lost control, lashing out as a last resort. We then feel guilt, regret and remorse, all of which are unpleasant and unwanted emotions, thus we subsequently seek out relief by consoling the child and apologising for our behaviour.

So let me get this straight....child is right little bugger, child pushes buttons, child defies parent....parent loses control, parent smacks child...child has mini break down...parent feels bad, parent consoles child, parent apologises to child...all because child was disobedient and defiant!

No wonder smacking doesn't work. Child-1, Parent-0.

So why do we continue to engage in a behaviour that seems to be undermining our attempts at managing our child's behaviour? Because usually we don't know what else to do.

Most parents who smack their kids are not abusive tyrannical parents, but parents at their wits end without an effective management tool for challenging behaviours. We smack in frustration and anger. Intense frustration and anger on our part as parents is typically an indication to suggest that WE haven't managed the situation appropriately. We have failed to act on the challenging behaviour in the immediate instance, which of course is the green light for a child to keep pressing the buttons. Meanwhile our frustration builds (often without recognising it at the time) and builds and builds until our emotions dictate our actions...hence loss of control.

Yes there is a better way. As I discussed in earlier blogs, equip yourself with a strategy of positive parenting and remember our three biggest downfalls leaving us grasping at those ineffective tools to manage negative behaviours:

Too much talk, too much emotion and not enough action!

Share your thoughts on smacking....and remember, we've all been there :)

Kurly K