As a working mum, my days with Master 3 are the most valuable. My favourite day of the week is the one where he and I just get to hang out together. Many of us are working mums. Gone are the days where it is common place for mums to stay at home until the last child finishes high school.
Whether it be the choice of a professional mother to return to her career, or the family's financial circumstances that force a mother back into the workplace, the consensus is that most of us feel a sense of guilt over our divided loyalties and responsibilities.
As a consequence of our circumstances we often demonstrate compensatory behaviour towards our children as a result of our own guilt. When you only have limited time with your children, you want that time to be fun and full of laughs. The last thing we want to do is upset our child and ruin the valuable time we have together.
But we suffer the consequences of such compensatory behaviour. The control that we have over our children's behaviour is compromised...and is this problematic? Of course it is, and let me highlight why.
Last week Master 3 and I set off together for a day of Mummy/Harry time. We visited a busy shopping centre. Mummy got to purchase a birthday present for the 4 year olds birthday party we were to attend that weekend before Master 3 asked to go to the play centre. Master 3 played happily for a period of time before asking to go to the toilet. With a trolley in tow I pondered getting into the toilet cubicle....before I remembered the Access Toilet.
With the advance of technology, the Access Toilet is now equipped with an electronic sliding door. Hit a button and the door slides open. Hit another button once inside (with said trolley and Master 3 in tow) and door slides shut and locks. How novel!
After waiting...and waiting...and waiting for Master 3 to do his business I decided I would take the opportunity to quickly use the toilet myself. Without thought, I dropped the dacks and jumped on the loo. Mid stream I looked up to see Master 3....who was well out of my reach...launch at the OPEN button questioning "What does this one do Mummy?". I've launched myself forward to grab his arm and prevent and unbelievably embarrassing public moment but he was well out of my reach. All I had left was to blurt out in a panicked/threatening tone "Don't push that button!" And he froze...hand on button.
Ahhhh the unbelievable relief. He actually listened and showed great discipline to control his own actions purely in response to my words.
Generally the more we talk at our kids when managing behaviour, the less they hear. Master 3's every day life involves consequences for his actions. In all reality I had found myself in a situation where I was unable to control his behaviour at that point in time. With the well entrenched belief that consequences consistently follow unwanted behaviour, the demand issued whilst I was stuck in a very awkward situation was enough to stop him in his tracks.
Compensatory functioning towards our children inevitably denies the child the belief that they are expected to do what is asked of them. There are many things that a guilty mother can turn a blind eye to, but find yourself with your pants around your ankles, stuck in the Access toilet, exposed for public view whilst your child escapes into the shopping centre...and you may reconsider your need to have control over your child.
Kurly K
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