Whose tantrum is it anyway?

We've spent a few weeks discussing the tantrums of our 4 year olds but what about our 34 year olds?

We've identified the downfalls in parenting of too much talk and failure to follow through with action. Another common mistake...parenting with too much emotion.

We all complain that Master 5 just wont listen and that Miss 7 wont respond to the most simple of requests...until of course we are screaming like a banchee, blowing steam from our ears and our head is spinning on our shoulders. Then maybe we get a response, and on occasion the response goes something like 'geez mum, take a chill pill!'. Despite your inner desire to reach out and strangle your little darling, you hold your breath and a slight whistling sound emits from your ears.

Our children have the most amazing ability to press our buttons, and sometimes by doing absolutely nothing at all. Now isn't that the definition of power? And don't they know it!

As we've previously mentioned it is every child's sole desire in life to maintain their sense of control in their world. And this is just another of their little tricks they have perfected in achieving just that.

As the parents, we fail to act then talk ourselves blue in the face, all without any satisfactory response.....until we find ourselves threatening with our serious tone (ineffective), raising our voice (provocative), screaming (scary....not so much after we've heard it 10 times over)....and basically losing the plot....all over a request to turn the Star Wars movie off.

So our first mistake...too many repeated requests without follow through of a consequence. And inevitably what follows is a crazy premenstrual lunatic like demonstration, to which the child realises they are solely responsible for creating. Wow, it's kinda like Master 10 seeing his science experiment blow up in front of him....how cool is that!

And once we have returned to planet earth, regret, shame and remorse all set in, for which we then apologise and profess our undying love for Master 10....failing to remember that the reason this all started was that the Master 10 you are now consoling and apologising to, was only 10 minutes prior demonstrating a well rehearsed passive aggressive approach to your parenting efforts. How did this happen?

So if Miss 4 must pick up her shoes, if Master 10 must turn the movie off, if Master 13 must get off the computer then so be it....but how satisfying to know that you have such power to pull your mums strings like a puppet and press your dads buttons like a Playstation 3 remote control before you surrender. And we wonder why they continue to refuse directions and ignore our rants. Why not wait to see how much we will jump, scream, grit our teeth, threaten the world and pull our hair from the roots before considering the options presented. And what are the options we are presenting....do it or.......or what? I'll yell and use my super scary voice to scare you into listening.

Kids care about action, not words. So when dealing with these little darlings, zip it and follow through and you will find yourself with all 472,000 hair follicles still intact on your 40th birthday and a child that actually listens....imagine that :)

Kurly K

To act or not to act...that is the question!

So last week we spoke about one of the big mistakes many of us parents are making.....too much talk. I think it is only fitting to follow on with another of the big mistakes we are typically making...not enough action.

A very common complaint made by the parents of young teens.....we never had a problem with him before he started high school!

So what is it about high school or turning 13 that apparently turns these compliant angelic little beings into oppositional possessed-like maniacs? Ill give you the drum, it's not high school...it's not Mr Beaker the eccentric experimental science teacher nor is it Mrs Shakespeare the abrupt intolerant English teacher. Suddenly the world is making demands on our little angels and they just don't like it.

If I haven't heard this phrase many a time..."all I expect is that he do his homework, that's all I ask him to do, is that really too hard?" Ordinarily you wouldn't think so but it really depends on this child's life experience over the past 13 years. How much have we expected of this child at the ages of 3, 7, 9, 12?

At 3, did you ever expect this child to return their own plate to the kitchen sink? At 7, did you ever expect this child to put their own shoes away? At 9, did you ever expect this child to take the garbage out and make their own bed? At 12 did you ever expect this child to walk the dog and clean up the dog poop?

Most parents will answer "No, I don't expect him to do any of those things, I just want him to do his homework."

Is this how it really works? NO NO NO! In failing to have age appropriate expectations of children they learn exactly that, that things are not expected of me. I don't have to do things that I don't really like to do! I don't have to do hard things!

And then at some point in time, the Science teacher is going to expect the assessment be completed (on time) and the English teacher is going to expect the text be read (even though it's as boring as bat poo) and the kids who've never really had expectations either can't cope and melt down, act out and defy or simply refuse. Parents are at their wits end trying to suddenly create expectations of their child despite having actively taught this child over previous years that such actions will not be imposed upon them. Quite commonly these kids develop a sense of entitlement. An entitlement to be exempt from such expectations....My mum doesn't make me do that so you've got buckleys!

Many of these little angels are then dragged into the psychologist's office by panicked parents clutching a list of complaints two A4 pages long questioning what on earth has happened to their child. How dare we suddenly expect them to co-operate with the normal expectations of every day life! So were these children really so well behaved before, or were they really well behaved because we left them alone and never place demands on them?

Is it important to expect they pick up their toys (even if it is easier to do it yourself)?....YES

Is it important to expect they carry their own bag into preschool (even if they protest it is unbelievably heavy today)?...YES

Is it important to expect they say hello when you introduce them to an adult (even if you prefer to ignore the grunt and pretend you don't actually own them)?....YES

Is it important to expect they make their own bed (even if it still looks like a group rumble has occurred in it)?....YES

YES because we need our children to learn that the world will expect things of them, good and bad. And when we accept this concept from an early age we tend to accept more readily the demands like homework tasks set by the teacher, crumby jobs ordered by the boss, menial tasks like mopping the floor and hanging the washing (yes, even if you are a boy). We are teaching kids from early on that the world does and will have expectations of us. So if we want our children to cope in a world of tough stuff, expectations be it reasonable or unreasonable, we need to teach them these expectations from the word go. We need to teach our kids resilience...the ability to cope with hard stuff, a skill that goes a very long way in life.

Kurly K

So they say actions speak louder than words!

So how true is it?

When it comes to kids, it's gospel!

How many of you have heard yourself saying "Geez I sound like my mother"....and...."If I ever sound like that (referring to that ranting raving crazy hormonally imbalanced mother) just shoot me"?  But we are all doing it. "....Harry come here and put your shoes on, put that down and come here please, I need you to come here now otherwise mummy is going to be late for work and mummy has a really important meeting to get to, no I don't want to see your favourite new trick dismounting from the lounge head first bellowing 'To infinity and beyoooooond' (although I am secretly impressed), come here NOW please, Harry, (stern voice) come here now or I will leave without you (Harry so doesn't care), that's it, I'm going now, Im going Harry, I'm really going now, did you hear what I said?, Im going and I'm leaving without you!"

Likely result: Harry thinks "blah blah blah blah, she's full of ka ka! She's never left me before, chances are she ain't leaving me this time and even if she did, it would be much more peaceful around here without all that nagging.

So what is wrong with my approach? In my adult head, it makes perfect sense.  I have explained my predicament and stressed the importance of getting out of the house on time to ensure my prompt arrival at the executive meeting, I've explained the reasons why I need Harry to have his shoes on his feet when we leave the house and why he can't wear his new Nikes to preschool...and I've also explained how important it is for Harry to listen to me when I tell him not to practise his buzz impersonation from the lounge as he is actually putting himself in danger of a very serious injury. Once again Harry hears BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Words mean very little to a child.  Kids don't listen unless we make them listen.  You can talk until you're blue in the face (sound familiar) but they seem to hear nothing.  You can talk talk talk until the cows come home, but most kids will wait for the cows to come home before they will decide to listen.  And lets face it, why would you listen if you really didn't have to!

Words to a child: Yeah yeah, I know you keep saying you're going to take my DS, but you actually haven't so the odds seem to be in my favour at this point in time. Nothing has happened yet so I might just hang out until something does happen and worry about it then (actually makes sense really).

Kids hear action, not words. Taking the DS says it all.  An action has been imposed, you can't help but hear that.

Kids have this amazing ability to switch off from words (unlike adults) but kids definitely hear action.  The action we impose upon our kids reinforces that we are the ones in control and that we call the shots.
We as parents must be in control.  The more we talk talk talk at our kids, the more we undermine our position of authority.  We threaten, promise, negotiate, nag...but why not just follow through with an action.  What's the worst thing that could happen? We make our kids very temporarily unhappy, angry, upset, cranky, sad.  Sad that they realise they have been stripped of the power and, as i've mentioned previously, it is a child's sole purpose in life to maintain their sense of power and control.  Hence why action is so effective in managing children's behaviour.

It's not such a far fetched concept.  Imagine the football referee who promises the players "If I see you off-side again, I'm really going to penalise you this time, I mean it, I am to be taken seriously so heed this warning and stay on side". Sounds serious!  Any footballer I know would have ceased listening at "If I see you....BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" (we wonder where our kids get it from). Furthermore, when the referee fails to take action again, fails to penalise for off-side play, this lack of action is a beaming green light to say "go on, try your luck, there's every chance you'll get away with it".....and then god forbid the referee actually pull you up for the off-side behaviour, what respect do we hold for the referee and his authority by this time?....next to none.

Like any good referee, less talk and more action means respect respect respect.....and generally more compliant behaviour.

Kurly K

Can someone give me the golden strategy.....pleeeeaaassseee?

Seriously, what strategy haven't you tried in an attempt to get your kids to co-operate?

Demanding....'Do it now or else!'

Pleading....'Pleeeaaaase get dressed, can't you see I'm sick and tired of having to ask you over and over again?'

Begging....'Please stop, Ill do anything you want if you just tell me what's wrong'

Negotiating....'If you clean your teeth now you can stay up another half hour'

Manipulating....'If you pick up your toys now I will take you to McDonald's'

Reverse Psychology...'No I'm going to eat the broccoli, mmmm, I loooooooove broccoli'

Promising...'If you don't do your homework, I'm cancelling your 6th birthday party...and I mean it!'

Threatening...'Wait until I tell your father what you have just done, you're going to be in big trouble Mister!'

The 6 year law degree, the 10 years corporate training, the outstanding business performance worthy of promotion....none of these prepare us for the trials and tribulations faced in parenthood. You need to pass more than 30 rigorous law exams before you're considered equipped and qualified to argue the point of law to a judge, but no exam in a law degree will ever prepare you for the fight against your 3 year old screaming for a choccie in the middle of the confectionary isle at Coles. Hence we resort back to any one of the above strategies (probably begging and then threatening, before returning back to begging) in an attempt to appease our little ones.

None of these commonly used strategies really work....Why?

Because they rely on the child agreeing with us, being reasonable, wanting the same outcome, exerting self control and using consequential thinking to influence their actions! When was the last time you heard your child utter something of the sort : 'You know what, I really think I should listen to my mum today because she is really at the end of her tether, she looks like she's going to blow a gasket and if I push her just that little bit further, she's really going to lose it and she may well phone DOCS for my removal. And besides, I really don't need that choccie anyway!' And if we are honest, we could all name a few adults who continue to struggle with these concepts yet we expect children to have them down pat....and unfortunately children do not have the capacity developmentally to master such skills.

So what does work with kids?

We need to set boundaries and limits for our kids. We need to make demands on our kids. Kids need to learn that we have expectations of them and that they are accountable.

Boundaries mean saying NO! No you cant jump on the lounge, no you cant empty the fridge at your will, no you cant demand three different dinners, no you cant have a new toy, no you cant speak like that, and no you cant say NO to me! Making demands means yes, you do have to put your shoes on, you do have to pick up your toys, you do have to carry your plate back to the kitchen, and yes you must sit down whilst we eat dinner.....why?, because I said so!

It is vitally important that we follow through with action. Kids need to learn that they are expected to comply with the demands of their parents or they will face a consequence. Consequences are actions.....and actions speak louder than words.

This means that we make a demand, present a consequence and then FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't be afraid of the yelling, screaming, crying, shrieking, wailing, blubbering, banging, hitting and whatever else may erupt. These behaviours are all an attempt to undermine your authority and regain the control....the purpose behind every child's sense of being, to maintain the control in their world.

Despite what may seem apparent at the time of your child's demonstration of horror, children function much better when they know their limits and their boundaries. When they know their expectations, and they accept the concept of consequences, they demonstrate the ability to make good decisions where ultimately mum and dad are happy and they too are happy.

And how do children ever come to accept consequences? Consistency is the key!

Kurly K

Am I a team player?

So we all agree that parenting needs to be a team sport. But do we really recognise some of our behaviours that are undermining our efforts to demonstrate a united front?

Of course there are the obvious disagreements... Mummy takes a toy away for unwanted behaviour and Daddy compensates with another toy, Daddy imposes a grounding that Mummy doesn't follow though.....and says 'shh, don't tell Daddy', Mummy imposes Time Out and Daddy rescues the child with comforting cuddles. But perhaps there are less obvious inconsistencies in our parenting that we are not so aware of.

Let me illustrate for you...(my poor husband has never heard the end of it):

Master 2 was outside playing in the yard with Daddy. Mummy calls from the back door "Its time to come inside, dinner is ready". Of course Master 2 is unhappy with such an outrageous demand! Master 2 wishes to demonstrate his disapproval by yelling 'nooooooooooo' and stomping his feet like he is leading the All Star's marching band....at which time my team mate aka: Daddy says to Master 2 "Come on mate, Mummy says it time to go inside!"

So here we have the classic 'Good parent/Bad parent', and no prize for guessing who gets what title.

As much as my team mate thought he was being supportive of my request (the look of daggers really took him aback), the underlying message to Master 2 goes something like this "...me and my mate Daddy were having so much fun until Mummy ruined it all by asking us to come inside and Daddy says we better do what she says".

Who is the real team here, Mummy and Daddy or Daddy and Master 2?

The message that both Mummy and Daddy need to demonstrate is....'you need to do this because I have asked you and I am the boss', rather than...'you need to do this because Mummy said so (but if she hadn't have said so I would have loved to have continued to play with you in the back yard all night long).

Being a team in front of our kids is supporting decisions made and instructions given as though they were made by both parents, not by only one.

Mums often complain that they hold responsibility for managing our kids' day to day events. This of course includes getting kids to eat their dinner, do their homework, clean their teeth and have them bathed and ready for bed before witching hour. These mums are making all the demands on the kids, leaving Daddy to be the fun parent. So unless Daddy is seen to also be initiating such demands in line with his team mate, Daddy becomes the fun parent and Mummy becomes the fun police.

One danger of this unequal parenting is that Master 2 develops the courage to disrespect the fun police parent rescued by the comfort and security of his mate, the fun parent.

It can't only be one parent making the demands on our children "put your shoes on, pick up your pencils, sit at the table, put your toys away".

So if you find yourself reading this saying "OMG, Yes that is me....I'm the fun police parent!", devise a strategy to parent as a real team, sharing the responsibility of being both decision maker and decision enforcer.

Kurly K

Parenting as a team sport

Picture this.....final minutes of the game. I'm dribbling the ball down the field, in the clear, only the goalie to beat. Im the sure thing!!!! I line up my shot (focus Kate!), deep breath in (relax), head over the ball (i remember this from training) swing and connect, lovely follow through and look up to see my perfectly executed shot sailing through the air, narrowly missing my target goal (if a 5 metre swing to the right is considered narrow!). Soooooooo close, but sadly "I" have lost the game for the team.

Any good coach would at this point convincingly exclaim "There's no "I" in Team".

I, of all people, should absolutely know this as I spend my days talking to parents about uniting as a team when managing our kids. In any family unit, there is no option for "I", only room for "we".

Now it can't be denied that our kids were created by the mutual efforts of the "we" in this relationship. Why is it that somewhere along the line, this can change quite significantly, ending up in opposing parenting roles....the Good Parent/Bad Parent predicament!

Arggggghhhh, the dangers of Good Parent/Bad Parent!!!!

So unless you haven't worked it out yet, the sole purpose of any child's existence is to exert their sense of power and control in this world....because don't forget, it's all about them (just ask them, they will happily tell you this). Children are mini experts at creating a minefield smack bang in the middle of any sound relationship, and unless we are armed and ready for the battles created by our little angels we find ourselves working against one another rather than with one another. And ultimately, inconsistent and uncooperative parenting leads to poor follow through.

Who would have thought, the perfect couple who happily said "I do" suddenly divided by another human being barely reaching 3 feet tall.

Other than the stress this creates on our adult relationship, opposing parenting leaves a gaping hole in any management system, undermining all your best efforts of managing your child.

Now, any Psychologist will tell you that children are born with superior radar systems finely tuned for detection of any hole or inconsistency in their parent's management system. These radar systems are permanently set on high alert, just waiting for that moment in which they catch you out, then run a mile smiling from ear to ear with the greatest sense of self satisfaction at once again having achieved their goal of having one up on mum and dad.

And how often do you find yourself questioning "...how on earth did that just happen....and he's only 3?"

In anticipation of our future blogs on the specifics of the behaviour management do's and dont's, one vital message to be heard is that we absolutely must present as a united front to our kids if we have any chance of successful management. And remember there is no "I" in this team!