Money makes the world go round!

Do our children have the skills to manage money?

Of course they don't. And that's why it is a good idea to help them learn these skills whilst they are still young and more able to be guided.

Children's first experience of money is usually the fascination with the shiny round coins that dad pulls from his pockets and leaves lying around to be taste tested. We buy kids a piggy bank and encourage them to save their coins (rather than eat them) and of course we encourage them to ask their uncle for the gold ones as they are of greater value, despite the child's belief that the bigger coins are the better ones.

As kids get a little older we introduce them to the concept of value in their beloved collection of coins. As young as 5 years old, children can learn a basic concept of value for money by teaching them that you need money to buy things from the shop. With young children you can help them count out the coins needed and encourage them to hand over the money in order to receive an item. This assists in introducing the concept of value of their coins.

Over the next few years children gain greater understanding of having to save up their coins, make choices about things they want and having to wait for things they want.

Every parent differs in their opinion of what age pocket money becomes appropriate for their child. And thats okay, there is no magic age to introduce pocket money. It is up to you to make the judgement of when you perceive your child is ready to start practicing the skills of money management. And remember, the way to learn these skills is to actually start doing it, of course with guidance.

One of the most common questions asked by many parents is whether children should receive pocket money for every responsibility they hold, or whether they have regular responsibilities and pocket money is given for responsibilities over and above the expected.

Again there is no right or wrong answer. Giving children pocket money for every responsibility they hold encourages the attitude that they should be compensated for their contribution to the family unit. It is important for children to learn that their parents, significant adults in their life like their teachers and eventually the world in general will have expectations of them, and these expectations are not always compensated. It is important for children to learn they they are accountable beings. Doing things for love, self respect and compassion are skills learnt through having expectations placed upon you. Children need to learn that they are expected to do things....because I am your mother and I said so, thats why....not because you will be paid for it....and it makes me happy when you do these things for me. This in turn encourages a sense of self pride and self satisfaction in the child, knowing that the things they do make others happy...and in turn makes them happy too. It is generally considered an admirable quality to perform an action with the best interest of someone else at heart. Refusing to do things unless there is something in it for one's self is not generally considered so admirable.

So how much pocket money should be given? Once again, there is no right answer, but I do think there is a wrong answer. Giving children too much devalues the value of money. When things come too easy we develop the attitude that little effort brings big reward, and if there is no big reward, then its not worth my effort. You're breeding a little capitalist!

It is important to set clear expectations of how children can 'earn' pocket money. You want to drive the concept that money is something to be earnt, and it doesn't come easy. There is an end to their money and therefore thought and discipline is required to manage their money.

Don't bribe children with money.... "if you're a good girl when we go to the Dr's then I'll give you $1". You should have the expectation that they behave, and have appropriate management strategies to address unwanted behaviour. You don't want your child to believe that they should be paid to behave in a way that should ordinarily be expected.

I do believe that children should be able to spend their pocket money on things that are of value to them, not things that are of value to you. They have earnt it. They may make impulsive decisions which they come to regret, but perhaps that's a good thing. The only way they will learn greater respect for the value of their money is to make their own mistakes. And perhaps they don't perceive their purchases as mistakes. Just because you don't value star wars figurines, 125 of them at that, doesn't meant that they don't value them. A balance of independence together with gentle guidance is a great combination...remembering that it is okay to draw the line at 1kg blocks of Cadbury Chocolate for the diabetic child or raunchy magazines for the young teen.

Involve the child in opening their own bank account. Create a sense of ownership for their own account and they are more likely to take pride in building the bank balance. Some parents offer incentives such as matching the child's savings. This provides further incentive for the child to save which in turn assists in developing self discipline skills, goal directed behaviour and acceptance of delayed gratification. Be careful, they may have you working double time to keep up your end of the bargain.

So whether it's a good or bad thing, there are no definite rules to introducing money to children. What we do know is that early introduction in an appropriate manner can assist in helping the child learn long term skills in managing money, an integral part of everyday life. Nurturing these skills also assists in the development of healthy attitudes and behaviours that shape our personality and perspectives in life...hopefully for the better.

Kurly K

Is it OK to smack your child?

The issue of smacking is a controversial one in the world of psychology and law. There is a current movement towards establishing legislation to make the smacking of a child a punishable offence.

Is there a difference between a momentary lapse of control and a pattern of abusive violent behaviour in managing children?

Whether you agree with it or not, most of us can admit that we have smacked our children at one time or another. Some research suggests that up to 90% of Aussie mums believe smacking is acceptable.

Part of the belief that smacking is acceptable is associated with the commonly reported view 'I was smacked as a kid and it didn't do me any harm'. Well that could be debatable!!!

What we may not realise is that we as parents are constantly modelling behaviour to our children. We teach our children through our actions more than through our words.

The most common scenario I hear from parents:

I was playing with Master 5 when he became frustrated and hit me. In reaction to his unacceptable behaviour I lashed out, smacked him on the arm saying "Don't hit!". And we wonder why children continue to hit in moments of frustrations. Isn't that what we have just modelled with our own actions (and of course our actions speak volumes over words).

There are concerns with the long term psychological impacts of habitual smacking. Children who are exposed to smacking as a means of controlling behaviour are learning to use such behaviour to manage and control their own situations. Ironically, we are smacking in an attempt to extinguish negative and unwanted behaviours, but in effect we are teaching our kids a skill to use in managing their own frustrations. So of course, kids who are smacked are more likely to use aggressive behaviour with their peers, and perhaps adults too.

What happens when children, particularly boys who sprout muscles and testosterone in teen years, get too big to smack? What tools do we have left to manage these kids then? And god forbid your darling angel smack or actually hit you back (at 15 years of age).

So why do we smack when most of us are left feeling regret and remorse following such action? We tend to lash out and smack when WE lose control. In the moment, we believe that drastic action will serve to regain the control we are seeking....that a smack will get the child to do what we want. But of course, it never works.

Outcome number 1. Child breaks down sobbing, broken hearted at the reality of being smacked by their usually-awe struck parent.

Outcome number 2. Child grasps backside screaming 'owwwwwww, that hurt, you're mean to me!'

Outcome number 3. Child stares you in the eye before calmly exclaiming 'That didn't hurt anyway!'

So why doesn't smacking work?

After tolerating persistent defiance and challenging behaviours from the child, our frustration level builds and builds like a boiling pot. Once the pot reaches boiling point (and the water spews over the edges) we've lost control, lashing out as a last resort. We then feel guilt, regret and remorse, all of which are unpleasant and unwanted emotions, thus we subsequently seek out relief by consoling the child and apologising for our behaviour.

So let me get this straight....child is right little bugger, child pushes buttons, child defies parent....parent loses control, parent smacks child...child has mini break down...parent feels bad, parent consoles child, parent apologises to child...all because child was disobedient and defiant!

No wonder smacking doesn't work. Child-1, Parent-0.

So why do we continue to engage in a behaviour that seems to be undermining our attempts at managing our child's behaviour? Because usually we don't know what else to do.

Most parents who smack their kids are not abusive tyrannical parents, but parents at their wits end without an effective management tool for challenging behaviours. We smack in frustration and anger. Intense frustration and anger on our part as parents is typically an indication to suggest that WE haven't managed the situation appropriately. We have failed to act on the challenging behaviour in the immediate instance, which of course is the green light for a child to keep pressing the buttons. Meanwhile our frustration builds (often without recognising it at the time) and builds and builds until our emotions dictate our actions...hence loss of control.

Yes there is a better way. As I discussed in earlier blogs, equip yourself with a strategy of positive parenting and remember our three biggest downfalls leaving us grasping at those ineffective tools to manage negative behaviours:

Too much talk, too much emotion and not enough action!

Share your thoughts on smacking....and remember, we've all been there :)

Kurly K

Mothers Guilt

So you thought hospitals were safe!!! And thats what they want us to believe...but I soon found out otherwise. A condition inflicted upon all mothers at the time of the first born child. Mothers guilt!

I had never before heard of this condition. Never been warned. Never could have prepared.

Mothers Guilt is defined as an unrealistic sense of expectation of ones self with regards to every need imaginable of ones child/children. Found most commonly in women.

The predominant criteria of the condition is the belief that one must meet each and every need of the child at any and every time of any and every day at ones own expense, and total loss of awareness and consideration of ones own needs.

Symptoms include overgrown underarm hair, chronic regrowth and un-waxed eyebrows. Symptoms also include loss of conversational skills outside child's developmental stage. Poor awareness of fixation on child's sleeping patterns and millilitres of milk consumed by child per day.

Male are genetic carriers of the condition, but rarely display symptoms. Women suffer the condition at the rate of 1,000,000,000,000,000 to 1.

Most debilitating aspect of the condition is the generalisation of symptoms across to the male counterpart. Women find themselves also meeting the demands of selectively useless husbands.

Prognosis favourable when diagnosed in early stages, particularly before the birth of the second child. Condition can prove chronic if left undiagnosed and will persist until ones departure to another more peaceful existence, or alternatively relocation retirement to Greek Islands.

Male counterparts typically have an interest in maintaining the condition and typically resist treatment options for the female sufferer.

After having been diagnosed myself by a very wise and insightful friend of mine, I feel it is my duty to share this wisdom with all mothers and urge you to self diagnose and do as I have decided to do:

5 Things I refuse to feel guilty about:

1. I refuse to feel guilty about the sense of relief I feel after dropping Master 3 at daycare and feeling a greater sense of sanity working with psychologically unwell clients than functioning as a parent

2. I refuse to feel guilty about leaving my child for a night, or god forbid 2 with his doting grandma Nanny Sue, who will be feeding him chocolate for afternoon tea and getting him to bed no earlier than 9.30PM because I'm playing sport.....yes something for ME!

3. I refuse to feel guilty that on the rare occasion since Master 3's birth, I have maxed out the credit card on a shopping expedition (without said Master 3 in tow) arriving home with bags labelled only Tiffany, Mimco, Witchery and Cue.

4. I refuse to feel guilty that I said no to the $2 merry-go-round horse ride outside Coles and ignore the subsequent attention seeking demon-like behaviour of my little angel, leaving him to scream to his hearts content despite the looks of horrified grocery shoppers.

5. I refuse to feel guilty that I say no to Master 3's demands to attend preschool in his Buzz Lightyear outfit, including helmet and wings, despite his cries indicative of heartbreak.

Treatment of this condition must include regular child free gatherings with trusted female friends who each remind you of the wonderful mother you are, and the individual you also deserve to be.

Relapse is common but friendly slap around by previously mentioned trusted friends maintains good management of this insidious condition.

Please share with us your 5 things....

Kurly K

Can you give your kids too much?

So it went something like this....

Me: "Miss 6, would you like to come to my house for a sleepover and play with Master 3?"

Miss 6: "Ummm, what are you doing tomorrow?"

Me: "Im not sure yet"

Miss 6: "How about you think about it and get back to me!"

Gone are the days when Miss 6 may have been super excited just to have a sleepover at Master 3's house.

Why is it so hard to excite kids these days?

We live in a society where kids are flooded with material possessions. Most kids have a DS before they start school and a mobile phone well before they finish primary. Not to mention the collection of Ipods and Ipads that are a standard addition in the hands of most kids in my waiting room. Playstations and TV's IN THEIR ROOMS together with laptops and open internet access. What do kids NOT have these days?

They don't have free, unstructured 'use your imagination' kind of play. I was fortunate to have grown up on acreage where weekends consisted of plenty of outdoor play. Pushing each other around in the wheelbarrow and building secret caves from strung up old laundry sheets filled the day, interrupted only by mum calling to come in for lunch. My husband talks of his childhood in such fond terms when he recalls riding his bmx around the streets, climbing trees and embarking on adventures in the bush....without adult supervision! No Ipods, only a walkman that ran out of batteries. No Laptops, but a shelf of encyclopedia's and certainly no TV in the bedroom, just 5 girls having to watch the same TV in the communal lounge room....and god forbid, actually play together!

We flood our kids with things, fun stuff, entertainment. Kids are constantly provided amusement. They have no idea how to be bored.

We want kids to draw on their own resources to seek out self amusement and self satisfaction. We want kids to seek out social interaction and social play. We want kids to use their initiative to learn, play, discover....and providing constant amusement in the form of 'fun stuff' smothers the child's potential to do so.

I have such fond memories of my Nanny and Poppy taking me to the circus when we were little. I can still recall the feeling of amazement as we approached the big top, and I remember feeling so lucky that we were given a bag of popcorn to share as we watched the show. So when the circus came to town just a few weekends ago I was so excited to relive the experience with my own child, my niece and nephew. I anticipated a buzz of excitement amongst the kids....only to realise that they were more interested in getting their own bag of popcorn and fairy floss, which of course they all got. And when the man came around with the glow sticks, they all wanted those. And then the same bloody man came back with flouro light sabres....and they wanted those too.

I have this feeling that their experience of the circus wont be quite as memorable and long lasting as mine.

One of my golden rules with kids...never have your kids in a situation where they have everything they want. Movie stars have everything they want, hence the next thing has to be bigger, better, shinier...and eventually illegal!

In this day and age, computer games and Ipods may not really be avoided, but they certainly can be limited. Don't indulge your kids giving them everything they want, leave them wanting and wishing for something. Have them earn things and help them learn a sense of value. The value of something that's come easy is lost all too quickly, with possessions discarded and interests rarely sustained. To have poor appreciation for things when we are little, leads ultimately to poor appreciation for things when we are big. The expectation that mum...dad...the world provides us fun stuff and things of interest doesn't change just because we get older in calendar years. We continue to expect to be 'made' happy but our interest is devalued, leaving us needing more just to feel happy.

Higher expectations with poor sustainability....potentially a recipe for depression.

Kurly K