Whose tantrum is it anyway?

We've spent a few weeks discussing the tantrums of our 4 year olds but what about our 34 year olds?

We've identified the downfalls in parenting of too much talk and failure to follow through with action. Another common mistake...parenting with too much emotion.

We all complain that Master 5 just wont listen and that Miss 7 wont respond to the most simple of requests...until of course we are screaming like a banchee, blowing steam from our ears and our head is spinning on our shoulders. Then maybe we get a response, and on occasion the response goes something like 'geez mum, take a chill pill!'. Despite your inner desire to reach out and strangle your little darling, you hold your breath and a slight whistling sound emits from your ears.

Our children have the most amazing ability to press our buttons, and sometimes by doing absolutely nothing at all. Now isn't that the definition of power? And don't they know it!

As we've previously mentioned it is every child's sole desire in life to maintain their sense of control in their world. And this is just another of their little tricks they have perfected in achieving just that.

As the parents, we fail to act then talk ourselves blue in the face, all without any satisfactory response.....until we find ourselves threatening with our serious tone (ineffective), raising our voice (provocative), screaming (scary....not so much after we've heard it 10 times over)....and basically losing the plot....all over a request to turn the Star Wars movie off.

So our first mistake...too many repeated requests without follow through of a consequence. And inevitably what follows is a crazy premenstrual lunatic like demonstration, to which the child realises they are solely responsible for creating. Wow, it's kinda like Master 10 seeing his science experiment blow up in front of him....how cool is that!

And once we have returned to planet earth, regret, shame and remorse all set in, for which we then apologise and profess our undying love for Master 10....failing to remember that the reason this all started was that the Master 10 you are now consoling and apologising to, was only 10 minutes prior demonstrating a well rehearsed passive aggressive approach to your parenting efforts. How did this happen?

So if Miss 4 must pick up her shoes, if Master 10 must turn the movie off, if Master 13 must get off the computer then so be it....but how satisfying to know that you have such power to pull your mums strings like a puppet and press your dads buttons like a Playstation 3 remote control before you surrender. And we wonder why they continue to refuse directions and ignore our rants. Why not wait to see how much we will jump, scream, grit our teeth, threaten the world and pull our hair from the roots before considering the options presented. And what are the options we are presenting....do it or.......or what? I'll yell and use my super scary voice to scare you into listening.

Kids care about action, not words. So when dealing with these little darlings, zip it and follow through and you will find yourself with all 472,000 hair follicles still intact on your 40th birthday and a child that actually listens....imagine that :)

Kurly K

To act or not to act...that is the question!

So last week we spoke about one of the big mistakes many of us parents are making.....too much talk. I think it is only fitting to follow on with another of the big mistakes we are typically making...not enough action.

A very common complaint made by the parents of young teens.....we never had a problem with him before he started high school!

So what is it about high school or turning 13 that apparently turns these compliant angelic little beings into oppositional possessed-like maniacs? Ill give you the drum, it's not high school...it's not Mr Beaker the eccentric experimental science teacher nor is it Mrs Shakespeare the abrupt intolerant English teacher. Suddenly the world is making demands on our little angels and they just don't like it.

If I haven't heard this phrase many a time..."all I expect is that he do his homework, that's all I ask him to do, is that really too hard?" Ordinarily you wouldn't think so but it really depends on this child's life experience over the past 13 years. How much have we expected of this child at the ages of 3, 7, 9, 12?

At 3, did you ever expect this child to return their own plate to the kitchen sink? At 7, did you ever expect this child to put their own shoes away? At 9, did you ever expect this child to take the garbage out and make their own bed? At 12 did you ever expect this child to walk the dog and clean up the dog poop?

Most parents will answer "No, I don't expect him to do any of those things, I just want him to do his homework."

Is this how it really works? NO NO NO! In failing to have age appropriate expectations of children they learn exactly that, that things are not expected of me. I don't have to do things that I don't really like to do! I don't have to do hard things!

And then at some point in time, the Science teacher is going to expect the assessment be completed (on time) and the English teacher is going to expect the text be read (even though it's as boring as bat poo) and the kids who've never really had expectations either can't cope and melt down, act out and defy or simply refuse. Parents are at their wits end trying to suddenly create expectations of their child despite having actively taught this child over previous years that such actions will not be imposed upon them. Quite commonly these kids develop a sense of entitlement. An entitlement to be exempt from such expectations....My mum doesn't make me do that so you've got buckleys!

Many of these little angels are then dragged into the psychologist's office by panicked parents clutching a list of complaints two A4 pages long questioning what on earth has happened to their child. How dare we suddenly expect them to co-operate with the normal expectations of every day life! So were these children really so well behaved before, or were they really well behaved because we left them alone and never place demands on them?

Is it important to expect they pick up their toys (even if it is easier to do it yourself)?....YES

Is it important to expect they carry their own bag into preschool (even if they protest it is unbelievably heavy today)?...YES

Is it important to expect they say hello when you introduce them to an adult (even if you prefer to ignore the grunt and pretend you don't actually own them)?....YES

Is it important to expect they make their own bed (even if it still looks like a group rumble has occurred in it)?....YES

YES because we need our children to learn that the world will expect things of them, good and bad. And when we accept this concept from an early age we tend to accept more readily the demands like homework tasks set by the teacher, crumby jobs ordered by the boss, menial tasks like mopping the floor and hanging the washing (yes, even if you are a boy). We are teaching kids from early on that the world does and will have expectations of us. So if we want our children to cope in a world of tough stuff, expectations be it reasonable or unreasonable, we need to teach them these expectations from the word go. We need to teach our kids resilience...the ability to cope with hard stuff, a skill that goes a very long way in life.

Kurly K